What does being Wired mean to Me? (A Pacemaker Owners Tale)

Well, my kids call me Bionic Mommy.  That should give you a clue. 
But I've been thinking how few people in my life REALLY understand what it feels like to be a proud pacemaker owner. And its not always pride, or the feeling of being this amazing fantasticals BIONIC woman.  Sadly, far from it.  I feel Bionic on my best days. 

The rest?  It's a wild variety of emotions.  My day usually starts with a check of how I feel.  Depending on how I've slept (curled up in the wrong way causes a lot of pain in the pacemaker site) - will determine how I wake up.  If I slept well - which is about a 50/50 shot these days, I get up a little easier.

I'm on my 3rd pacer at the ripe age of 37.  This one is in a new place. Just below my right shoulder, about 2 inches above my breast.  My last 2 were in the same spot on the left side.  So - wearing strapless stuff, even for me, who usually isn't shy about my scars, is daunting - I have 2 matching HUGE keloid scars about 2 inches long each.  H-O-T.  Let me tell ya.

I want to wear a strapless dress for my upcoming 20 year HS reunion, but I am afraid that's all people will see.  The big gnarly scars.

That's just on the outside.  On an average day, I wake up sore.  Regardless of how I slept, the pain, that constant ache is there.  There's also a stiffness around my shoulder where I carry myself funny from the pacer.  Also having small kids, who love to snuggle but as they get bigger tend to SLAM their bowling ball heads right on my pacer (OW!), is a struggle.  Always having to gently remind them, without freaking them out. I don't want to seem weak or fragile to them, because I am Mommy for God's sake.

Then there's the weather.  The cold brings on the ache in all my bones.  Especially my ribcage.  Having had 6 different heart surgeries has caused my ribs to be in a constant state of ache and some kind of recovery.  From one of my "keyhole" procedures, I am actually missing part of a rib.  Just got a little hole now.  So, its like living with broken bones.  And I have a pretty HOT corset wire tying up my sternum that shows up in x-rays.  In some deep twisty way, I think its pretty.  It really does look like a corset.  But, again, more foreign agents in my body.  More things for my body to naturally try to rebel against.

I could go on.  Then theres technology.  I know all the docs say pacers aren't made like they used to, but they still affect technology.  You can't tell me different.  From metal detectors, to anything with batteries, theres a strange little pulling in my chest.  We used to have a little black and white tv with an antenna that would turn the screen to fuzzy snow every time I walked in the room.  It was kinda funny.  But, that is getting better.  Still have to go thru the crazy hand pat down at the airports.  But, its good.

It may sound like I am complaining but, those of us who are wired like me know, this is your new life.  It what we do for ourselves and our families.  Some days I don't know if given the choice would I choose this life for myself, but I would do it for my family.  Its hard. 

But....its wonderful is so many ways.  For one - it has saved my life.  Pure and simple.  It has allowed me to live.  To discover, to love, to have many many more days and years with the people I love. To try and make sense of this life of being ill most of the time, and to think of what good can come from it all.  To have kids!!!! To work out! (Slowly, but surely). 

And for the other- this experience allowed me to see Heaven and come back and know without a shadow of doubt it exists.  I flatlined when I was 21.  I saw it.  It's my most treasured event in my life.  How many people get to live life KNOWING it exists?  Not believing, but actually having seen it?  I don't know anyone.  And then I remember why I was able to come back.  I was in the hospital getting this life saving device. 

And for that  - I will take all the pain it can throw at me.  Because I got to come back.  And nothings better than that.

Happy Tuesday.  This one is dedicated to my wired sisters.  You know who you are.  Hugs.